Ring It Up

They tell us lately that freedom isn't free. I will respectfully disagree.

Sure, I pay taxes, but those don't limit me or hinder me. I never feel them, not as deeply as Joe the Plumber does. Every tax cent comes through his uretha on a fishhook and I worry deeply for him. I wish his taxes felt as free as mine did. At least he has the health insurance – lucky, hook-dicked bastard. If I ever got sick, I'd be in debt for decades.

I mean, sure, I have to work a job, but I'm free there as well. I'm employed at-will, which means I can up and leave any time I want, no strings, no shame, no complications. My company's just as free, and we have an understanding that way. We both have everything I make to lose, so it keeps things nice and balanced.

I smoke, I drink, I eat fatty foods, but it's not a sacrifice of my rights. I've got nothing but options, and the options are everywhere. I pity the poor bastards who want to eat vegetables – have you seen the price of the healthy stuff on menus? It's a goddamn form of slavery. I'll stick to my American dream, my emphysema, blood on my grille from some pedestrian, and a McDouble in each fist. Because I'm free, and this is America.

We're at war, but no one's asking me to participate – there's no draft, no forced labor in mills to give our boys steel. We keep our internment camps in other countries, so no worries to Americans, and you want to know the best part? I don't even have to remember it's happening, except when those selfish widows and soon-to-bes look at me like I'm the one with the problem. I didn't blow up any towers, and I certainly didn't go crazy Islam on anybody. God forbid – the Christians would crucify me.

All in all, I think I'm freer than I've ever been. I live in a land of opportunity, as long as I respect a few basic social rules. Hell, as long as I respect the white, conservative family, I can have it pretty good here, without any hate, prejudice, or fear. I don't have to know what's wrong with all those other people – they probably deserve it.

If you don't like it, move. Here, you're so free that you don't even have to vote.